A Helpful Perspective for Building Confidence, Resilience and a Life You Value
In my resilience training and self leadership coaching, I share a simple and powerful tool from ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy/Training): that we are always doing something, and that something is either a Towards move or an Away move. Let me explain.
What we do moment to moment is either moving us Towards our Values, Towards the kind of person we want to be, and Towards the kind of life we want to create – OR – it’s moving us Away to avoid even the slightest hint of pain, struggle or discomfort, Away from our Values, and Away from the kind of person we want to be, and the kind of life we want to create.
This quote from The 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth, by John Maxwell, came to mind:
“You will never change your life until you change something you do daily.”
Want to change your life? What’s one thing you do daily that’s more of an Away move than a Towards move?
Moment to moment, become aware that you have a choice – Away or Towards.
Find one thing you do daily that doesn’t serve you and replace it with something you value. Even a modest, micro-step in alignment with your Values gives you something far greater than the temporary relief you get from an Away move.
There’s no judgment here either. You can choose an Away move – just do it consciously and recognize that this might serve you today but isn’t helping you in the long run.
Why the squiggly lines in the image? Because choices are difficult; because we waiver; because nothing’s as simple in application as it appears in a book or a blog post. Life’s hard sometimes but we can still choose.
Away… Towards…
Not As Easy As It Seems?
It’s true – making conscious Towards moves isn’t as easy and straightforward as it sounds. Those sneaky Away moves often happen on autopilot, driven by habitual and challenging thoughts, fears, impulses or discomforts that ‘Hook’ us and steer us off course from a life we’d value. These are the moments when our old patterns and protective mechanisms take over, pulling us away from our values and the person we aspire to be. The Choice Point Worksheet is designed to help you recognize these moments and make more deliberate, values-aligned choices, which builds your self-esteem, confidence and resilience in the process.
How to Use the Choice Point Worksheet below:
- Identify the Choice Point: Start by noticing when you’re at a choice point – a moment where you can choose to act in alignment with your values or be pulled away by avoidance or reactive behavior. This can be as simple as feeling stressed about a work deadline or having a difficult conversation.
- Map Your Moves: Use the worksheet to map out your actions. On one side, list the ‘Away moves’ – those actions or reactions that lead you away from your values, such as procrastination, self-criticism, or avoidance. On the other side, list the ‘Towards moves’ – the small actions that honor your values, reflect your strengths, and that bring you closer to the person you want to be, even if they’re challenging or uncomfortable.
- Reflect on Triggers: Notice what triggers your Away moves. Is it a specific thought, emotion, sensation or situation? Understanding these triggers can help you pause before reacting automatically and give you the space to make a more conscious choice.
- Practice Mindful Awareness: Cultivate mindful awareness to catch yourself at the Choice Point. This can be a challenge because, as mentioned, those Away moves are often reflexive. Mindfulness practices, like deep breathing, HeartMath, or a brief pause, can create the necessary gap between trigger and response, allowing you to make a values-based decision.
- Commit to Small, Consistent Changes: Recognize that even small Towards moves are significant. Each step, no matter how modest, reinforces your commitment to your values and builds the muscle of resilience. Remember, it’s not about perfection – it’s about progress and aligning your actions, even imperfectly, with what matters most to you.
- Be Kind to Yourself: It’s important to practice self-compassion when you notice yourself making an Away move. Instead of harsh self-criticism, acknowledge that change is difficult, and every effort counts. This kindness will encourage you to keep trying, even when it feels tough.
By using the Choice Point Worksheet, you can begin to shift your actions and choices to better align with your values, fostering greater confidence, resilience, and a sense of fulfillment. Remember, it’s a journey, and the goal isn’t to never make an Away move again, but to become more aware and intentional about your choices, so that, over time, your Towards moves become more frequent and your life becomes more aligned with who you truly want to be.
Want to learn what your Towards moves are? Get to know your values – what really matters to you and take a small step in that direction to honor who you really are and to make your life meaningful and fulfilling. Need some help getting clear on your Values? Check out my Self Discovery & Development coaching program. And, to restore resilience, confidence, and wellbeing, consider the HeartRich Resilience Fundamentals.
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