You Need to Value Your Needs and Values

Are You Living an Authentic Life?

“A happy, healthy, successful person is someone who values themselves and trusts in their abilities to get their needs satisfied and their values fulfilled.”

Many people today are yearning for authenticity – in themselves, and in society at large. They want to know who they really are, and feel the freedom and confidence to be who they really are but find it’s not as easy as it sounds to just be your Self.

Authenticity entails vulnerability. Growing up, many of us learned that when we open up, speak from the heart, and let ourselves be seen, we’ve gotten hurt, humiliated, or rejected. If we didn’t have someone help us through that pain, and feelings of shame, we likely learned implicitly to protect ourselves through armoring up and holding back from expressing ourselves fully and freely.

Fast forward a couple of decades and we find many people today, intelligent, hardworking, high-achieving people, are experiencing the disconnects.

To varying degrees, many of us have become disconnected from:

• our authentic selves, including:
  • our full spectrum of emotions,
  • our fundamental human needs,
  • our essential core values,
• the hearts of others, and,
• the present moment.

With overwhelming and unresolvable pain, adversity, stress, and trauma, we paradoxically close or dampen these vital aspects of life for our own protection.

We disconnect to protect.

In our shielding, our hearts close as well. Ideally, we’re only disconnected for short durations, till our situations improve. However, sometimes, getting stuck in protective mode, adapting in ways that aren’t effective or beneficial long term, is a lifelong matter.

Living in chronic stress and survival mode for stretches of time, sometimes decades, not only feels awful and unfulfilling, it also leads to most chronic illnesses we know today. (For several resources on this, I recommend: When the Body Says No by Gabor Mate, Lost Connections by Johann Hari, and the work of Dr. Vincent Felitti and the research about ACES – adverse childhood experiences.)

We thrive when we’re connected to our open hearts and can easily connect to the open hearts of others. In this state we have the potential to experience more frequent (but not everlasting) states of connection, calm, ease, compassion, love, delight, joy and fulfillment.

How do we know that? Because these are the emotions and states we’re capable of experiencing when we’re in the Social Engagement System (SES) of our Autonomic Nervous System (ANS), which comprises the state our bodies need to be in to grow, to restore and to heal. In other words, states that promote and nurture life and wellbeing. To learn more about our nervous system and the SES, as well as stress and resilience, please read The Heart of Resilience and It’s Time to Talk About Trauma.

A fascinating field of study is Stephen Porges’s Polyvagal Theory, which is a groundbreaking neurobiological framework that explores the complex interplay between the autonomic nervous system (ANS) and social behavior. Porges’s theory has profound implications for understanding how our nervous system influences our reactions to stress, trauma, and social interactions, providing valuable insights for fields ranging from psychology to medicine.

Please explore this graphic by therapist and Polyvagal proponent Ruby Jo Walker detailing the three distinct branches of our ANS, each with their associated states of mind and body.

When we’re in the SES, we can be present, attuned, connected, open, grounded, positive, confident, compassionate and a host of other beneficial states and qualities that I’m pretty sure most people “love” experiencing. Sadly though, I’m sure there are quite a few people who question if they’re even capable of feeling or accessing these states anymore.

Living in chronic stress for too long makes us forget all that’s good and wonderful – about life, and who we are, and what’s possible for us.

If you count yourself as one of these people, I want to help you understand the connection between authenticity, needs and values, and share the importance of building the skills to honor and protect them, so you can create and experience greater wellbeing, authenticity, meaning and fulfillment in your life.

Embracing Authentic Living: The Essence of Needs

At the core, needs are the building blocks of our wellbeing – essential aspects vital for physical, psychological, and social health.

Here’s a short list of our Essential Human Needs and our Higher ‘Being’ Needs (combined from various psychological frameworks).

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Basic/Deficiency Needs

Survival – air, water, food, warmth, sleep.

Safety & Security – not only being safe from physical harm from others or the environment but having a sense of certainty that we’re protected from future threats.

Physical Wellbeing – health, strength, vitality, vigor.

Connection/Relationships/Belonging – to be cared for – to be loved – to be included – and to provide these needs for others.

Autonomy and Control – the capacity to be self-driven and free to act in accordance with our needs and desires. Agency.

Self Esteem / Self Worth – a sense of value in oneself, to matter – to feel significant – to feel accomplished – to be of value to others.

Higher Needs – Being/Growth Needs

Variety & Stimulation – though we have a need for security and certainty, we seek and enjoy learning and having new experiences that make us feel engaged

Contribution & Service – to make a difference to others, to give back beyond proving one’s worth, to give and serve when it doesn’t even serve our survival

Meaning & Purpose – To find meaning and create meaning in our lives

Growth & Fulfillment – to learn, grow, overcome our limits and fears and our very own egos. To fulfill our potential. To be who we are – to be who we can be.

Transcendence / Spiritual needs – To transcend egoic consciousness and experience a oneness with all life, moving beyond self-centered mindsets and motivations, towards a higher and more inclusive state of consciousness.

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Our Needs Motivate Us

What motivates us and gets us moving in life is the instinctual drive to fulfill our needs and keep them met. When they’re met, we are primed to feel safe, secure and social.

When our needs are threatened, or deprived, we experience stress as a drive to protect our lives and get our needs fulfilled to restore physical and psychological stability.

Technically, we don’t experience stress itself – we experience a variety of emotions and sensations and impulses within us – many of which do not make it to conscious awareness.

We often act out of impulse to needs we’re not even aware of. And we often react in ways we learned in childhood. Ever seen a grown man throw a temper tantrum or scold someone simply because they were irritated or not getting what they want?

We have needs on multiple layers of experience simultaneously.  Intellectually, we can separate and plot these needs on a hierarchy (thank you Maslow) but all are ‘alive’ at the same time, and never stop being ‘necessary’.

Our basic or deficiency needs are the starting point, and include our Survival Needs, like air, water, food, warmth and sleep – without them we die.

Moving up the hierarchy to Safety and Security to protect the life that’s maintained by Survival Needs.

Moving up to Physical Wellbeing to achieve good health and live with strength and vitality to be able to use our bodies well, and up and up the hierarchy we go.

If any need is challenged or threatened in anyway, even the thought of it creates a stress response and emotions in the body. Yes, even to just a thought!

It doesn’t matter if you’re successfully fulfilling a higher Being/Growth Need such as offering selfless service, if there’s no air – that’s all that’s going to matter. If it’s a social threat – something to potentially cause you to lose connection and belonging – a breakup, a friend is mad at you, losing face somehow, your body reacts and you’re going to have emotions about that – and impulses to do something to protect yourself and restore connection.

These are all connected and alive all the time affecting our nervous system, emotions, thoughts and experience of life. They don’t exist in isolation on tiers or layers of pyramids.

Consider These:

• Do you know all the ways you unconsciously and reactively protect yourself? How are they working for you? Anything you’d like to see change/improve?
• On what level of needs do you experience the most satisfaction? The most trouble?

Where Things Go Awry

Something very important to realize is that our pre-conscious, internal system for assessing our needs and levels of safety (neuroception) gets programmed along the course of life, and isn’t perfect. It often gets mis-programmed leading to faulty neuroception.

Very often, we may sense danger and experience stress from something that isn’t actually a real threat to our existence today. As a result, we may get anxious, and spend time and energy trying to protect and restore a need that’s very hard, and perhaps impossible, to satisfy.

Most people I know have a ‘glitch’ on at least one level of needs – including myself (on more than just one level). One example that comes to mind relates to our Security needs – financial security more specifically.  We’ve learned that money is the currency we use to get many of our needs met. How much money do we actually need to survive today and feel secure for tomorrow? Probably not as much as we think we need – truly. There have been studies of millionaires who have millions in net worth and liquidity, who feel stressed and insecure about money. That stress drives certain behaviors that shape the person’s life and personality.

Another example is the opinion of others. I’ve worked with business owners and C-suite executives who lead companies with tens of thousands of people, who admit they’re people-pleasers and worry about what other people think of them – all the time. They fear being authentic and vulnerable, and constantly try to manage the impression their making in other peoples’ minds. Their social, belonging and self-esteem needs are shaky, to say the least.

One other major issue with our Needs Fulfillment System (I’m making up this term) is the problem with our misuse of the mind. Since we’ve been gifted the capacity to think and imagine and, in a sense, step out of time and reality and have experiences in our very own minds that aren’t happening outside our skin, we can experience stress just from our thoughts alone. And, we can do so habitually and compulsively, perpetuating chronic stress.

Some of the most common ‘misprogrammings’ create internal beliefs and narratives that we can’t let go of and that drive much of our unhelpful (maladaptive) behavior in life – and I put these all under the banner of UnEnoughness:

• I don’t have Enough or there won’t be Enough (to survive)
• I am not safe or secure Enough
• I don’t have Enough connection or belonging – I will not be loved – I am alone
• I am not worth Enough – I am not good/strong/smart/beautiful/talented Enough
• I am not Enough

It’s these misprogrammings that lead to adaptations in our personalities, perceptions, choices and behaviors skewing our experiences of life.

It’s these misprogrammings that create and drive persistent problematic protective patterns like people-pleasing, perfectionism, impostor syndrome, brutal inner critics, hyperachivement, addictions and more, which only further perpetuate the disconnect from our authentic selves and the hearts of others.

In other words, we become our defenses and protection mechanisms and lose touch with our unique and wonderful essential nature.

For Reflection

Grab a notebook and jot down your thoughts.

• Take a moment to think about the things that make you feel alive, engaged and fulfilled. Do you thrive on connection, safety, autonomy, growth, or something else?
• Consider the qualities and states associated with the social engagement system (SES) – calm, ease, compassion, humor, love, etc. Can you recall moments in your life when you experienced these states? What were you doing? Who were you with?
• Reflect on times when you felt a need was met or unmet. How did it impact your emotions and choices?
• What needs are you meeting well? And, what needs are not meeting in effective, functional, life-enhancing, sustainable ways?
• What are some ways you habitually shield and protect yourself? What problematic personality patterns do you notice in yourself or others?

The Connection to Authenticity

Hopefully now you have a strong sense of your needs and even to the emotions you experience when they’re met and unmet. For a little help with that, please refer to the NVC oriented Emotions Wheel below.

Nonviolent Communication (NVC), developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg, is a language of life, a communication process that emphasizes compassionate connection and conflict resolution.

NVC explores the profound link between our feelings and our underlying needs. According to NVC, our emotions are direct indicators of whether our needs are being met or not. When our needs are fulfilled, we experience positive emotions like joy, fulfillment, and gratitude. Conversely, when our needs are threatened or violated, we may feel negative emotions such as anger, sadness, hurt, or fear.

NVC encourages individuals to express themselves using a language that is nonjudgmental and focused on needs rather than blame. By identifying and articulating our needs and feelings, and by empathetically understanding the needs of others, NVC aims to create win-win solutions that foster understanding, connection, and harmony in relationships. The process involves honest, authentic self-expression, empathetic listening, and collaborative problem-solving, contributing to more compassionate and effective communication.

When we understand our needs, respect them, take responsibility and accountability for meeting them, and are in touch with our bodies and emotions, we’re truly connected to who we really are. We’re living authentically.

Said another way, to live an authentic life, and experience greater wellbeing and fulfillment, we need to be in touch with and care about our emotions and needs, and have the self-respect and self-compassion to take a stand for ourselves.

Unfortunately, many adverse and painful situations in life, as well as how we were conditioned and socialized growing up, taught us to ignore and suppress our needs and emotions.

As said above, we disconnect to protect. As such, many of us learned to devote more of our focus, attention and care on other peoples’ needs and emotions in order to feel safety, security, and belonging. (More on this in It’s Time to Talk About Trauma).

Many of us learned to become people-pleasers, chronic givers and helpers, and super-nice guys and gals, so that we stay in the good graces of others and maintain connection, all the while not in touch with our own inner experiences and feelings. As a result, we neglect or are cut off from our own needs and desires, and not even able to speak up for ourselves as that would be too threatening and stressful.

Changing these patterns is challenging work on several levels – physiological, psychological, social/interpersonal, and even spiritual.

The most powerful starting point though is self-awareness, supported strongly by self-acceptance, further enhanced with self-compassion.

If we can be aware that we might be driven by Unenoughness – by a faulty needs fulfillment system, we can also recognize that our emotions and impulses may not be accurate.

So, with greater mindfulness and acceptance, we can tend to ourselves with compassion, and support ourselves in intentionally choosing to get our needs met in ways that align with the kind of person we want to be and the lives we want to create.

This is where the discussion on Values begins.

Guiding Stars: Developing Your Values

Values are our guiding stars. They are both the virtues or principles we use to shape our decisions and actions, and the ways of being that reflect what we care about most in our hearts.

Values are the personal, intimate, gauges, signposts or internal barometers of what’s really important to a person and by consequence, what isn’t.

Having clear and prioritized values is like having a fine-tuned compass that helps us navigate through life in an authentic and meaningful way.

What truly matters to you in life? Think about the qualities and principles you hold dear. The ways of being that if shown to you, would warm your heart and lift your spirit.

Before discovering and being more intentional about honoring your values, they can be very hard to articulate but if we reflect deeply enough, we can feel them resonate within us.

Though we may share many values in common with others, each person has a unique set of the things they value most and a unique way of how those values resonate within them.

Clarifying our values and beginning to live life in alignment with them brings an abundance of benefits. Life becomes more fulfilling, more meaningful and more harmonious. Over time, living in alignment with our values, that is, living authentically, reduces stress, frustration, resentment, guilt, shame and anger.

Where Do We Get Our Values?

We initially inherit our values from our families, cultures, and peers but these are more like assigned values – not necessarily a reflection of who we really are right now and who we want to be.

Think about this for a minute – do you share values with your parents or family or culture that perhaps you’ve outgrown? Sometimes, we need to let go of, or reduce the weight or priority of, inherited values that don’t align with our authentic selves.

When you prioritize and live by your clearly articulated values, you tap into a powerful source of clarity, motivation and even courage, because they reflect who you really are at heart.

Over time, as we continue to honor our values in every sphere of life (relationships, work, parenting, etc.), we build trust in them. In other words, confidence.

As it happens, even when we lose our way sometimes, in times of uncertainty and stress, adversity or suffering, we can depend on our values, have faith in them, and trust them to guide us in serving our highest good. This often leads to – if not deep fulfillment – at least a sense of peace within.

How Do I Discover My Core Values?

Discovering, clarifying and prioritizing our values is hard work and takes time.

There are a variety of assessments that can help you uncover values that you live by but it’s very hard to find any assessment that can penetrate through our armors and defenses. One assessment that may help you do that isn’t a values assessment at all – it’s called The Enneagram and I highly recommend you check it out.

Doing Values Work on your own may lead you in circles. Are you choosing values you think are the most popular or desired by others? Are you choosing values based in unmet needs? Or are you choosing values at the heart level that reflect your authentic self? As such, it helps to work with an experienced guide or coach to help you.

If you want to explore a few assessments that shine a light on your values, here are several to consider (sorry they’re not all free):

• VIA Strengths – Values in Action Survey of Character Strengths
• FindYourValues.com
• Personal Values Assessment (considers both Needs and Values)
• Core Values Index

The Interconnectedness of Needs and Values

Perhaps you’ve clued in to this already, needs and values are closely intertwined.

Needs often find their fulfillment through actions that align with our values. The flipside is also true – when you make choices in line with your values, you’re often meeting your needs too.

For instance, if you value connection with others, your need for belonging can be satisfied through fostering and nurturing relationships. How you choose to feed and nurture those relationships is informed by your values.

Examples of valued ways of nurturing relationships include and aren’t limited to: kindness, empathy, compassion, consideration, trust, humor, fun, playfulness, loyalty, giving, sharing, holding space, listening, calling/reaching out, showing up, and much more.

We all have the need for connection and belonging – but what values we’re guided by and honor to fulfill that need are as unique as you are.

Bringing us back to the discussion of faulty neuroception and maladaptive needs fulfillment, very often we can find people whose values reflect those very hard to satisfy needs. Some people may value safety and security to such a high degree that they prevent themselves from taking necessary risks in life. Such risks do make them vulnerable, but they are the very same risks that might lead to deeply fulfilling outcomes (if they are based in authentic values).

If this might be the case for you, if you yearn for authenticity and living a values-based life but are scared stuck, then working with a highly trained and trusted coach, guide, or therapist may help you reconnect with your authentic self and develop the confidence, courage and resilience to start being who you are.

Conclusion

As we wrap up our discussion on the Need to Value Your Needs and Values to live an authentic, meaningful and healthier life, understand that prioritizing your needs and values is a declaration of self-worth. A demonstration of you valuing your Self!

You are worth it.

You deserve to have your needs and be intimately aware of them, including all of your emotions!

You deserve to value your needs and to get them met in healthy, functional ways.

You deserve to take a stand for them and to protect them in courageous and self-compassionate ways.

You deserve to experience deep and profound fulfillment by honoring your values every day in authentic ways.

You deserve to live with greater peace and inner harmony.

A person like this, living authentically, with their needs satisfied and their values fulfilled, is a person who radiates a sense of safety, calm and grace to others. Such a person helps others feel safe in their presence, so they can open their hearts, and access more of their authentic selves.

This is my wish for you.

To close, I offer you some reflection questions to consider to raise awareness and hopefully prompt your journey of personal growth and authentic fulfillment.

• Consider some of the most fulfilling moments in your life, what specific needs were being met, and what values were being honored? How can you intentionally create more situations that align with those needs and values?
• Reflect on a recent challenging situation. What needs were threatened, and in what ways did your responses align or misalign with your core values?
• Consider the values you inherited from your upbringing. Which ones resonate with your authentic self, and which might need re-evaluation to better align with who you are today – or who you want to be deep down?
• In your pursuit of authenticity, what protective patterns or behaviors do you recognize in yourself that, when released, could open new avenues for growth and connection?
• Imagine a future where you fully embrace and prioritize your needs and values. What changes in your daily life, relationships, and career do you envision, and what steps can you take today to move toward that vision?

Questions? Comments? Please share them below.

If you want to get in touch to talk about cultivating your authenticity, helping you meet your needs in more effective ways, and living a values-based life, please reach out for a complimentary Coaching Exploration Session.